When you are the Family Freak Show….edited

They all knew and none of them said anything… Was granny getting money monthly from dad??? Loyalty to an older brother by the siblings??? Cousins who know more than I do about my own family???

Yep we were the family freak show and because they are so bored… We still are…. You really can not fix stupid and I give up trying… UNCLE!!!

When a cousin asked me last year about my sister and her growth, I knew my memory of our family being the topic of conversation among the rest of the family was correct…. play like you are sleeping and adults will run their mouths…. and they did, those memories are slowly coming back….

I made the statement after the beating over sisters boobs…. that my legs hurt as we were getting in the car after Tiny’s wedding ceremony and granny said it was growing pains… but she knew the truth and lied… so many of them did… so many took thousands from me… I don’t play these kind of games…. The door was closed last year…

Next week a full 3 months since I quit Levothyroxine… best decision I ever made… though the weight will be tricky now and harder to get off, but exercise I am, more for mobility and strength than skinny body…

I find myself not thinking about the past as much and that I am putting it aside to an extent, until we are moved and I have that quiet place I can go, so when I meditate, I get the information down while it’s fresh and clear… this is not as easy as I make it sound… When a memory comes forward I have to tear it apart and make sure it is a real memory and accurate or I disregard it in the hopes that maybe someday something will connect it to a memory that makes sense…

I can not do the “Imagined wronged Scenario”…. I have to know I am right and accurate…. the dreaming is happening again, but can not tell you what… I do know my siblings are involved, so maybe progress… maybe just stress, because of the move and every day we are doing something in preparation of putting the house on the market… busy, busy, busy and then it will be pure boredom until we load the container…. feast or famine is the way life is and should be… keeps it exciting…

Anger, it is there… deep inside, it is there… though it has evolved, it doesn’t need to rear its ugly head anymore to get attention to what happened and what was lied about and what was covered up… those subjects no longer have value… If I wanted the story in your face, I know how to get it out there… and I am not sure what direction I will go as of now…

I find it odd, the chaos… I want to go someplace in my brain… I do not have to fight the maze of chaos anymore… I just focus and poof the thought is there with the information I need… a calmness in the brain I haven’t felt since before Texas and my near death…. over 50 years of chaos gone…at least for now….

I keep going back to this… Freda & Peggy & Larry are alive and none of them are talking… christians… they hide behind fear because to face the truth of their part in this journey, means they have to face what they did… and I have seen first hand how life treats people like this… that is what they should really be scared of and not me…

Life gets even… I just sit back and watch… it was cruel to Don at the end of his life, I got to see that first hand and they are the ones that caused that cruelty… The stories will get to me, they always do, they will give me no pleasure, because their is nothing after life and they wasted so much of it hiding from it…life that is….

True story….

TimesUp #MeToo WhyIDidntTell

I Remember… Margie… who opened her eyes in the face of death and saw a dark empty void…. no god, no angels, no flowers… just darkness…. True Story….


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