PTSD Changes, it does happen…. very slowly…

Anyone working in mental health will be the first to tell you… there is no fast track recovery for PTSD… It’s complicated, like a new relationship complicated and the nuances of changes happen slowly…..

When we sent our granddaughter home in 2017… I knew I was close to some of kind of break down or explosion…. the explosion came a year later… the breakdown…. was much more intense than I ever could have thought….

When you don’t live on the dark side of life, it’s hard to make yourself go there… and boy have I had to go to some dark places and after I got there…. wow…. I didn’t want to turn on the light….

When hubby got tested… I knew he wasn’t the one I saw demonstrating the behavior… I was detached and wathcing myself… and the journey began in earnest to understand why I had PTSD and what happened to cause it….

I have struggled on this journey, flipping and flopping, trying to convince myself that another stroke happened since I left the house of horrors… and I can’t… I can account for every year since I left home… every surgery, every recovery… all of this violence was done in a christian home while I was a child………..

Acceptance, holy crap on a cracker, how do you accept what 2 consenting adults did to a child??? and most of all how could they????? That part of this journey is complete… I accept it and I know it to be true…….. and I sometimes wonder if that is why I handled the rapes in the Air Force like I did…. I reported it and that was the end of that….or so I thought………

It’s hard, and none of this will be easy from here on out…. the fact that a new memory, one that I hadn’t seen since it was made… presented it’s self to me, tells me, that neuro doc was right and I don’t like that doc, but that’s who I’m seeing… anyhow… the dude was right, my wall of denials is falling away….

I have fought myself and the system so much, because I didn’t know what happened to me… that part of me, will always resent the system for what they did and how they buried the truth… but it’s not getting me any where along this journey….. it’s holding me back….

I told hubby, it took a lot of self control, not to tear into the dentist… when I started complaining when I first started seeing him a couple years ago…. I did the job… and was ignored and now I am paying the price…. so much of the kind of health care I have received because I am a woman… what hubby gets from the same people, is 360 from what I get…. guess we will never be considered pissed off, just hysterical, until the lawsuit happens…………. sadly…..

The stress of the dental implants and possible issues with my maxilla has me freaked… and that added stress is impacting my nights… throw in some crazy Trump BS and you got the making of the Munsters in your own nightmares….. Mulvaney is the hand………………………………………….

Hubby sees subtle changes and he sees my struggles… the fact I haven’t gone off on anyone in the last few months, with the infection, and the rest…. they should count their blessings… I’m told it’s not forgetable…….

Happy shopping….. I’m hiding at home and using the internet…..

I remember…. Margie….

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